How to be Successful at Failing

How to completely fail at life, with examples.

Have you ever been out somewhere and seen ‘that guy’ or ‘that woman’ that just exudes success? Everything about them from the clothes they wear and the way they walk, to the car they drive and people they surround themselves with just screams ‘I’m someone important, everyone loves me and I make a butt load of money”?

Well, in this article, I’m going to share with you some of the best-kept secrets on how YOU, yes, even YOU, can achieve a level of success in life that is nowhere fucking close to being successful at all.

I mean it, just quit everything you start. Karate class? Take it for a week, spend all the money to enroll and buy the uniforms, then, just stop going. Fuck it, that shit’s hard work. Why would anyone put their body through that torture?

This goes for any sort of exercise regime as well. You should definitely join a gym every year — I recommend doing this shortly after the New Year begins for greatest impact — go for a month or two, then stop. You will have wasted a fair bit of money and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I highly recommend this step for anyone that really wants to fail spectacularly.

I have this as step 2, but it could have just as easily been step 1. Really the two are interchangeable.

For this step to be really effective, you have to smoke a lot of pot. Oh, and quit high school and get your GED. Who really needs all that education to be a rock star anyway? You should also probably learn to play an instrument or develop your singing voice just to be convincing. Now, you don’t have to be perfect. Learn a handful of power chords and maybe a cover song or two…then you should be ready to go!

The key to this step is to not actually become a rock star. Playing in anything more than a local cover band is going to just ruin this for you, so be sure you stick to dive bars and open mic nights.

This is an important, but often overlooked step in the process. Make sure the people you are around every day are absolutely miserable. It’s best if they are cynical and extremely selfish. If you can find yourself a really good narcissist or sociopath, that shit is ideal, grab on with all your might and don’t let them leave. Ever.

If you are lucky enough to have family members that completely drain you of all hope, or insist on including you in all their misery, that would be perfect as well. If you are in the position to have an extremely selfish parent or parents, you really have a head start in the journey to being a maladjusted failure at life. Good for you.

I also recommend that you only befriend people that have absolutely zero potential to be successful. I mean, who wants to be around people who achieve things? You don’t need that kind of positivity in your life.That’s just totally against everything we are trying to not accomplish here. Drop them. You’ll thank me for this tip when you are in your forties and have absolutely jack shit to show for your life’s efforts.

I would think that this step goes without saying, but I’m going to include it for completeness.

Never, ever, under any circumstance, should you take responsibility for your own decisions or actions. Good or bad, you should always have a scapegoat. It works best if you choose any of the people from Step 3.

If you make sure you have someone else to blame, you can continue to make horrible decisions as long as you want, and they will never get in the way of your complete and utter failure at life.

After all, that’s what we should all be not striving for.

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I am just one primate, in a world of billions. I have thoughts, dreams, and opinions. I have fears and reservations. I will share them all, for better or worse.

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Jonathan Chatfield

I am just one primate, in a world of billions. I have thoughts, dreams, and opinions. I have fears and reservations. I will share them all, for better or worse.